You never know how lucky you
are to have something 'til you
lose it. Don't take anything for
granted. Did I know this? Yes.
Very harshly, especially lately, as
life became more intense and
some calls came too close for
comfort. Did I truly apply it?

Not until I saw half my life crumble away. Literally.

Disbelief hasn't even begun to
set in yet. I'm still floating out
there somewhere. And I don't
know when I will come down. I
need to see it with my own eyes
and take it in so my heart
can process it as some
kind of emotion. Cos, for now,
my whole reality is what I've
been told, and nothing I
truly know.

The thought of how close we
were... How little time we had
left to enjoy it... How much I'd
planned on savouring it with all
my heart, body, and soul. How I
was going to validate it, make all
the mixed emotions and hurt all
worthwhile and no longer in vain.
How I was going to cry for the
beginning of the end, and on one
of those days where I was searching
myself for a scrap of life, humanity -
I could find us.

Prematurely, my love
caved in and was ripped apart,
left mangled beyond imagination in
horrific twists of fate. Everything
that I was going to be was left
in the rubble, and at this point
I do not know if it is salvagable. Or
even if it's still there, sitting safely
in the darkness, or if its
completely ripped apart or blown
away. Will I ever see it again?
Am I ever going to return
here and relive my exhuberant lives?
Is my life going to be the same?

There's no such word as "certainty" in the wake of disaster.

I looked into the pool of my
thoughts and saw a reflection that
shocked me, saddened me, and
overjoyed me all at once. I saw
what I didn't know I'd lost, I
saw every last bit of it, and
the chaos I cannot see at the
moment becomes even more cloudy
with the tears and heaving sobs...

It will not be the same. I
took it for granted and lost it. This
surrealist painting was painted
realistically.

I remember... first walking into
this. My desire to remain as distant
and cold to us as I possibly could. I
hurt then.

I hurt now.

The closeness to you, the feeling
of self-worth, all my achievements
and goals lie within you. Picture
perfect memories of sillyness, friendship,
anger, suicide; smiles, laughter,
tears; urgency and boredom
are buried in you. I wanted so
badly to be with you until it was
my time. The experiences as of late
make me, were molding me into
exactly what I wanted. You
made me me!

Ripped apart like a piece of
paper... twisted into something I
do not and almost refuse to recognize
now. You're not the same
as I knew you. And I want you
to know I need you more than
ever now -- I need to know if this
is truly the end so I can pick
myself up and try to find the light
at the end of the hall...

I never for the life of me thought it would come to this.

I love you and I'll miss you, Westmoore.