As I sit here and listen to these songs
On the radio in the early hours of the
Morning, it takes me back, back to a time
When I didn't feel the way I do now.
I remember how everything was,
And how I want it back now.
I realize how much I took it for
Granted, and how free I
Was, even though I didn't
Feel it then. The carelessness involved,
But how it felt so good to do
Stupid things and then laugh out
Loud, and the only "big"
Worries then are now worthy
Of only being laughed at.
Although everyone has a little
Bit of child in them throughout
Their lives, there is some point
Where you lose your childhood,
Sort of shed it like a snake
Does its skin. It's not apparant
At first, maybe not for a long
Time, and maybe some people
Never realize they lost it.
But I do. I can see where I
Crossed the sometimes indefinite
Border between childhood and
Womanhood. It was not
When I got my first period,
It was not when I got
My first boyfriend,
But when I finally realized
Who I was, what I stood
For and where I was going.
It took me alot of time, and
Alot of soul searching and
Close observations apon myself,
And somewhere deep within
Me it emerged tonight, with
The radio on. It took me back
To the end of my childhood --
In December of just last year.
Somehow, with the dawning
Of the New Year, it brought new
Aspects to my life, too. Falling
In love changed my life as
Well, in some ways good, and
Some ways bad; but it's all a part
Of that permanent transition.
I never even realized cupid
Had really stabbed me with
An arrow, but he did, and
Trying to handle all
New emotions is part of it.
It's hard to handle those,
As well as old ones I conjure
Up when I'm unlocking myself.
I find that lots of these
Emotions I'm feeling now, as
New as they seem, are not. They
Are all the same ones I ran
Across in my so-called childhood,
But since then things that
Have happened to me, the same
Events that produced these
Emotions, made me block
Them out. Once I started feeling
Like I had a life again, around
Sixth grade, I locked them all
Inside of me. I was ashamed
Of them. I didn't know they
Were normal, and how could I,
Being in first, second, third grade?
Now I understand alot more,
I realize and see things I didn't,
Because putting those emotions
Away is what led me to my
Short-lived childhood and my
Discovery of adulthood.
I have a theory that maybe
I was actually born as an adult,
And then twelve years later
I regressed into a "pseudo-
Childhood", only to emerge from
It, even stronger than before.
But no matter how much
I try to cover it up with silly
Excuses like that, it doesn't
Change my past. If I could
Have done things differently,
I would've handled all my
Situations totally the opposite,
And I wouldn't have let myself
Grow into such a stubborn,
Pessimistic, withdrawn, perfectionistic
Person. I'd be a little more
Liberal, I'd be having more
Fun in my "new womanhood".
But the one thing I've
Learned, if anything, is that
You can't change the past,
And you make yourself
Who you are. In my case,
I don't like who I am now, I
Liked who I was in my childhood.
And that's the saddest, most
Terrifying part of it:
Stepping into adulthood
And realizing you had a lost
Childhood.